Bewildered
by Devilvidel
Summary: Oneshot! - Rated R for suicidal theme


****

Bewildered

* * * * * * * *

Disclaimer - I do not own DBZ

---------

I should be scared of him…everyone else seems to be. I see them all cower in terror when he presents himself to them…of course they do not cower with their bodies…they cower with their souls…I can see it in their eyes. They fear him more than death.

Fear a repeat of the past…events long gone, things that I can barely remember now, even though they seemed significant and important at the time. Removing those who threatened us, that's what the work with my team-mates was like…and yet, I just couldn't bring myself to remove this one person.

One person…why just one person when I could easily destroy others? My friend could scarcely believe it when I told him to spare the life of the alien. The thing was…this alien was like me, and none of the others whom I had fought had been connected to me in anyway…well…none except two others so what was different about this other individual?

The others wondered this too…and after all of this time they are still fearful of him because of the fact that they do not know why I spared him. They also know that if I spared him once, I would do it again…that I might allow any of them to be killed by his hand without even attempting to stop him. I wouldn't do that…at least…I don't think I would…

But what do I know? I don't think I even know myself anymore…confused by crossed wires and feelings towards this one that I saved so long ago. He owns me his life, he knows that and yet he doesn't care. He pretends like he owes me nothing and instead it is I that owe him for shaming him, for not being the alien I should be. He calls my truthful responses of childhood injury feeble excuses and commands me to look at my own son…more powerful than I in spirit…he taunts me for being less in touch with the other part of my life then my son and claims that Gohan is more saiyan than I.

He has no idea…he does not know that I have been living the saiyan way of life without others noticing. Not even those close to me…I fight for challenges and to increase my strength…and have done ever since he appeared. It was as if he had opened up a door for me…and perplexing to me was the fact that I was willing to walk through this hole in the wall and follow him into the darkness.

I pleaded with him once to teach me the ways of my world long gone but he spat in my face and called me a 'baka.' He claimed that no real saiyan would plead to him in such a manner and told me to exit swiftly otherwise I would be on the other end of a large ki blast.

And after all of this…I still do not fear him…in fact…I think I have stronger feelings for him than he will ever know. But even if I try to tell him…he will ignore me…he has ignored me from the moment he met me and he isn't the type to start paying attention just because of some more truth spilling from my mouth. Truth does not hold up highly with him…either that or he just does not believe anything what I have to say…whatever it is.

****

---------

He's idiotic and not fit to be a saiyan…his son is stronger in that department than himself. I should have blasted that baka into oblivion the moment he first showed weakness and allowed me to survive by calling off his 'cleaner' Krillin. But I couldn't…because he's stronger than me…

****

That's what I've been telling myself for the past god knows how many years…and the excuse is becoming as weak as a brick wall. My reason isn't of any use anymore…we are both at the same levels and of equal power…and I am certain that I could bring him down the moment his back is turned…then why haven't I?

Confusion has reigned my life ever since that idiot saved me…shamed me. I was not meant to survive…saiyans are meant to die in battle when they have injuries as gross as my own…and yet he let me go, left me to face an even worse sentence with Frieza. I would have rather perished at another saiyan's hand than that of the cowardly Ice-Jin. 

Why have I not yet destroyed him? I should be angry with him for beating me in battle and shaming everything that I stood for and yet…my anger has depleted done to practically nothing. Every so often it reappears in times of peace when he often questions me about his heritage…and at those points I feel like I could just kick out so hard that I would break him in two. But as quickly as it comes, the anger goes…it always disappears when I see the look on his face…not scarred at all by time, looking the same as the first day I met him, smiling at me. And I find myself smiling with him…not on the outside but inside.

I stay out of his way most of the time, bewildered by the factor of my unconscious refusal to kill him. I have had no trouble before…not even when it came to other people of my race, I could happily sentence them to death or even execute them myself with no signs of remorse or sympathy… I am just so unaware of why I cannot destroy him…could it be that I require him to be part of my existence?

****

---------

My day's life is simple…simple training carried out by a simple man. My life seems so easily planned out…as if I know where I am going and what to do when I get there. But I don't. I have no idea where I am heading…and I know of only one person who can solve this mystery…and this person only wishes to have contact with me for an occasional spar…at his request.

I am literally tearing my hair out and falling apart at the seams…a conflict is raging inside of me and yet I do not know who is battling and what they are battling for. Every now and then I am thrown against a wall without knowing why…and why the collision does not cause pain.

Things become blurry…friends disappear into the background…for they still fear him and therefore fear me too. Sure they all hide their dread in the form of fake smiles and laughter, at things I say on occasional gatherings, but I can see what they are really like…they are not really my friends anymore.

And the only one I can relate to is Vegeta…as he is me and I am him.

****

---------

I'm losing my mind…seeing pictures of Kakarott every time I close my eyes, hearing his voice every time I venture out to train alone. It's as if my body cannot cope with being away from him but my mind wants to bash him until his chest rises no more.

The one thing I enjoy doing on this miserable planet is now no longer a refuse from the saiyan. Demons in my head, playing with my mind, taking control, throwing me against walls. Grabbing my head and banging it several times against trees or anything else hard enough to take the pain away. However it is only for a short amount of time…and then it all begins again.

Sharp metallic objects glisten with scarlet ribbon…causing more pain but reliving me of the other…this too is short lived…I cannot take anymore.

---------

Here's here…in my mind…and will not leave me be. He does not grace me with his presence in real life and yet he cannot leave me be in my own world. Cutting through my soul, splashing colours so bright into my dismal mind that I cannot ignore him…though I need to.

Life is ending…it is blurred by thoughts of him…I cannot think of nothing else and the small white droplets only make matters worse. No friends around to guide me through my troubles…why is he torturing me…calling me names, shouting at me, hitting me…telling me he wants nothing to do with me…when I want him…

****

---------

He hates me…and I hate myself…I part of me cares…why does he not leave me alone?

I used to be able to think of other things…and now this mental ailment has engulfed me…and I cannot think of anything else…except him.

Rid of me this please…let me leave like I should have done a long time ago…let me leave. I cannot rid myself of him in this life, I WILL rid myself of him in the next.

---------

I want him…but not in this way…perhaps another world will rid these demons…Vegeta telling me that he hates me…Vegeta wanting me dead…well he will have his wish…

****

---------

The ribbons surround me as things become more blurry than usual. Things are distorted and I feel something seeping over the thick of my vision…covering the rest of the room in the colour of red.

Am I allowed to go now?

---------

**__**

A.N. Woah! Weird story lol I don't know what that was all about but read and review any ways guys!


End file.
